Flash: Cream and 37 sugars. Really.

Some days are better, some not. I’m asked frequently if I’m depressed and my answer is always no, but frustrated, overwhelmed and angry some times.

My ability to deal with bad things have improved with time; I have lower expectations, appreciate the small things more and happier to compromise. I’ll take what I can get and rather than aiming for a big end-result, every little improvement is a step in the right direction and I will gladly focus on the step by step rather than where the steps should lead at the end. It just doesn’t matter.

Life happens whilst plans are made and implemented and I would much rather live in the present than in some imagined future that never materialize.

Some days are worse and harder to manage. There is some variability in my health, not so much good days or bad days at the moment, just very bad days and very very bad days. If you dislocate multiple joints every day and are in constant severe pain, there just are no good days.

I’m fine with that; what other people would consider a very very bad day I personally would probably consider a very very good day for me and as I’m living my life and not somebody else’s, I’m happy with however I define the every day and in general, I prefer counting the small positives rather than the big negatives.

I haven’t been taking very good care of myself, which hasn’t helped me improve. I have been pushing too hard, doing too much, allowing myself to get caught up in the mundane pleasures and headaches of having a new baby. I am stubbornly insisting that I can be superwomen, survive on no sleep and do everything myself.

It’s only when the people who know me well start to yell at me to stop that I realise how much I have just been pushing through without paying attention to anything around me. It feels like suddenly waking up and realizing I can’t move and with a sinking feeling, knowin that all this pushing has taken its toll.  I have run out of everything because I push through the can’t to get to the can and it is not a sustainable way of living with chronic health issues.

Today is one of those days.

I woke up with a badly dislocated shoulder. My left shoulder has been steadily worsening of later and has reached the point where I can’t move my arm without hearing pop, feeling a jump in pain and then having the nightmare of trying to put a shoulder back that just won’t stay in. The pain is also extending down my back, up towards my neck and jaw and alongside my arm.

We had this mortifying moment during the CHC meeting where my shoulder dislocated. I hate when this happens in front of an audience. I asked Chris to help put it back quickly, he did but then let go and it came straight out again. Rinse and repeat. Same result. After a few goes I said don’t bother, it’ll fix itself when its ready, lets move on.

I am still falling apart. What stability I used to have in my joints seem to have vanished alongside the pregnancy hormones. I move and my shoulder dislocates and then my left wrist and then the right. I stand up and its my hip or ankle. I pick up a cup or bottle of water and its my elbow. My spine wobbles and that induces violent spells of vertigo. I chew and my jaw collapses.

My exhaustion has hit the point where I don’t feel that I can cope any more. A mild migraine flare up during the day and I break out in a cold sweat. I cannot handle more. I can’t manage a migraine on top of all of this.

I’ve had two seizures in the last ten days which before used to be extremely rare. No warning sign, it just happens. It frightens me. I am scared of being alone with the baby and hurting her as a result.

It makes me realize how much I need more help. I need someone here to help when things go wrong.

My life sounds very doom and gloom when I write it down. I spend a lot of time crying whilst trying to fix things with an unhappy, screaming baby providing the backdrop to the scene.

I try not to give up. I try not to give in to the pain.

I do stuff.

I talk to friends on-line, I write here, I experiment with a cool bag that will form the focus of my first solicited product review and I watch her sleep and smile and wave at me.

I tr to stop worrying. I try not to think about the pain or the hassle or what it means long-term. I live in the present, in the little pockets of time that are better than others. It is not great or perfect, but better. There is still better, times when things get better, when I hurt less and that’s good enough right now. I can hang in there for more moments of better that are sure to come.