I’ve been sick, the fever/winter flu season kind of sick for a while. Pretty much ever since we went out on a below-freezing kind of evening on Chris’ birthday, just after Christmas. I get a little better and then we go out and it rains or snows and I get cold and exhausted and well, pick up a bug, again, and then I’m back in bed with a fever. Again. I woke up this morning yet again with a fever and the sniffles and snow gliding down outside my window. It’s difficult not to get depressed.
I’ve learned a long time ago that getting depressed doesn’t help and neither does soldiering on. Chris is the first to say “just go back to bed” and I’m the first to reply “I don’t wanna, I want to do… well… stuff”. I want to be productive, contribute, do something other than sit around all day and feel discontent. I sat on the kitchen chair a couple of nights ago whilst Chris was cooking dinner and he was saying how it’s all okay and just to relax, it’ll get better again. I realized then that although I don’t feel as if I’m contributing much to society, our dual income or the world at large, at least I’m happy. A few years ago, that wasn’t the case. Playing video games and reading more and watching TV all afternoon hasn’t made me less productive. Having a pretty serious, chronic, incurable illness did that.
I used to spend more time in bed, more time alone, more time just getting stressed out and worrying about the futute. I used to get a lot more headaches, I laughed a lot less and didn’t really have any friends. I haven’t played a lot of WoW because my computer doesn’t want me to and we’re still working on that one as it comes up with problem after problem the minute I try to log in, but it’s reassuring to know that when I finally do get back to it, my guild will be there and I’ll catch up quickly enough, my friends on the server will still be there and so it’s okay to take my time getting me and my machine sorted out.
It’s nice to have something to do even when I’m curled up with a box of tissues, inhaler and a gallon of herbal tea, wondering how long the winter chills are going to last. I’m discovering older TV series that are new to me; Mad Men, How I met your mother, I’m catching up on books I received for Christmas and haven’t read yet, like S.M. Stirling’s Conquistador and I’m finally learning how to play Halo (ODST), hopefully learning how to master Mass Effect 2 and when I don’t feel like a challenge, I collect pets and weapons in Castle Crashers, practice how to rotate the analogue stick without dislocating wrists and fingers in Marvel vs Capcom 2 and loose myself in Shadow Complex or World of Goo because they’re easy on my hands. I used to watch my brother and friends play video games and never thought I’d ever be able to manage it. Learning new things is still a slow and painful process, but I’m doing something I never thought I could do. That’s not a wasted effort. It still feels like pure indulgence, but on a day like today where I just feel miserable, I’ll take all the undiluted indulgence I can get.