Love and Peace

I was tired yesterday after only getting 3 hours of sleep the night before and waking up with a massive headache that had me in bed for hours, drifting in and out of a pain drenched haze that really clouds my thinking. We had to go out to the supermarket and I gave up shortly after returning on accomplishing anything useful and went back to bed to try and sleep a little more. The headache was a dull ache in the back of my brain that was just enough to muddle my thinking and its one of the things that eat away at my self esteem the most and make me a little moody. I hate feeling stupid. Chris called me over to come heal the Headless Horseman for a guild run. Whilst waiting out of combat, I absent-mindedly picked up my tea cup weirdly and managed to dislocate both my left wrist and thumb simultaneously. I had to invite someone back into the group before they got teleported out of the instance and trying to rush it, I also dislocated my right thumb. Chris was around, but had popped downstairs and so I panicked. It was one of those moments where I feel completely overwhelmed and pain is about the only thing I can think of. I was in tears clutching my wrist when Chris ran in to see what had happened and he took over my character whilst I tried to fix things as quickly as possible. It took a while. Three joints out are much trickier than one. I had to put some ice on, then a splint, but after a couple of hours it seemed fine enough for raiding.

We really breezed through Emalon and ToC normal on 10 man. It was my first 10 man in months and as much as I love 25 man raids, vent is livelier on 10 and I really love the banter. It’s almost sad how easy it was and although I appreciate all the breaks it gives me and the additional buffers that exist because I can overheal indulgently, it’s a little too much of an easy thing. Heroic mode next. The closest I’ve come to hard mode and heroic raids are Flame Leviathan with two towers up and a few minutes of ToC 25 which really means I hadn’t done any. I’m still very conscious that I’m not a reliable player and so I tend to skip on the things where one mistake can make a big difference and heroic mode epitomizes that rule. But I went anyway because I really wanted to. The northrend beasts were just plain fun. I thought the fire bombs would be really difficult, but if positioned correctly so that I can just hit auto run, I had plenty of time to get out. I’m eternally grateful for the handy set of heroic mode instructions I was handed by a friend just before going in or I wouldn’t have anticipated a lot of things, including not getting a speed buff on Icehowl. Lord Jaraxxus was much more difficult. Healing is pretty intensive, Mistress’ Kiss is rather annoying trying to heal continuously whilst constantly having to pay attention to positioning and be ready to move quickly very frequently made it a challenge. It helped that I have done it on normal a few times and so it wasn’t all new, but I still managed to dislocate my wrist badly in one of the early attempts and was quite happy that my mic was turned off when the raid leader asked what had killed me. It was at this point where the evening stopped being just plain fun.

Chris started yelling. After being together for seven years this is still a major point of contention. He doesn’t like when I get hurt and hates it when he thinks it’s self inflicted. He feels that I should ask to be replaced when it happens this badly, particularly when it is the second time in less than three hours. Bar that, he feels that I should ask for a five minute break and take some time out to put my wrist back in, tape it, rest it and then go back to it. I disagree. I’ll quit for serious stuff, but dislocations are mostly routine even when they’re quite bad and I don’t need five minutes so why ask for it? It either reduces straight away or it doesn’t and a few more minutes changes nothing. He was still yelling when we pulled and I rather unceremoniously kicked him out of the room. We’d spent the downtime arguing whilst I fished painkillers out of a drawer and so my wrist didn’t get the attention it should have. Chris got even angrier because I wouldn’t let him help. When he’s upset he can’t reduce dislocations. He’s impatient, rough and gets the angle or direction or amount of force wrong and usually I end up worse off. And so I wouldn’t let him near my wrist even though I couldn’t fix it, which made him even angrier. I can’t splint and play well and so I just left it at the almost in stage for the next attempt. Over a period of an hour or two, the bones kept sliding and by the time Lord Jaraxxus went down, my wrist was a jumbled mess and I wasn’t sure any more if it was ever fixable. I took another painkiller and by the time we’d had a few goes on the Faction Champions and raid finished, my world was all a blurry hazy mess and I was jittery and a little hyped up.

I tanked the daily heroic afterwards rather badly whilst laughing at ‘Six things your body does every day that science can’t explain‘ being read to me over vent and unwinding rather than immediately stopping after the raid had the desired effect. I was calmer. I did the daily fishing quest in Wintergrasp and by the time I logged out, I didn’t feel like crawling into a corner and crying anymore. I put on an episode of Trigun and then another and before I knew it, I was asleep with the headset still on and the keyboard in my lap. I woke up with my head inches away from a sleeping cat who had curled up around the mouse, resting his chin on top of it, rhythmically snoring away. My wrist was hurting, my head still fuzzy with a dull ache, but I was okay. It’s taken a long time to get to okay even when I’m not quite. I was content with the issues I was having during the raid because I knew I could ask to either stop or have a break for as long as I needed whenever I did. I knew that if I ran into any insurmountable obstacles, I could ask for help, advice and suggestions from a number of people that would do their best to make it as easy as possible for me without taking over. I crawled into bed and the cat instantly climbed back into my arms and listening to him purr whilst warming my cold feet against Chris’ warm ones, I realised that I could see the day as a good day or a bad day, it’s just a matter of maintaining the right perspective.

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