I turn everything up to an eleven

I’m a big Hugh Laurie fan ever since Chris introduced me to Jeeves and Wooster. I’m not much of a House fan, the drama behind the drama is tedious and I never could learn to like any of the supporting cast other than, no wait, no exceptions there. And the hallucinated blonde is just annoying. Farscape pulled that off, House did not. The chronic pain theme on the other hand is interesting. Living with any chronic pain condition is a challenge. I can be a little condescending when it comes to pain, when you hurt it always feels as if nobody else can quite grasp how much pain you’re in, but it’s a knee-jerk response that’s really just an attempt to justify why you’re allowed to do less than you think you ought to. Spending my time watching the world go by annoys me. I feel guilty.

I keep thinking that it’s a temporary state of being, that things will change, get a little better or I’ll get better enough at dealing so that it doesn’t take up almost all my time, but I’m still waiting for it to happen. For now, I’m reassured by justification. There’s enough things serious wrong with me that I couldn’t do more even though I want to, I try to tell myself. I don’t really believe it; I still think that there’s always a way to make life work regardless. People have written books by blinking after all, what makes me so special that I can’t persevere a little more?  It’s difficult watching something like House and not feel guilty for not trying harder, until I remind myself that it’s fiction. It’s also rather easy to watch and be mesmerized. Hugh Laurie does pain rather well and living in constant pain is an issue that pulls me back in with its familiarity. It’s not a fun world to live in.

I struggle to deal with it well. Some days are easier than others, but even the easy days are still rather difficult. Everything requires boat loads of effort and I start to feel a little lost in the fog. Pain can be overwhelming and it makes my life particularly unpredictable and me rather unreliable. It seems like a flimsy excuse to say ‘I can’t, my head hurts, I can’t my wrist hurts, I can’t, my ankle hurts’. I think about the darker times, like lying on a hospital gurney with a hand clasp tightly over my fentanyl patch thinking that maybe pressing harder will make my skin absorb the drugs a little faster, but it didn’t help. Nothing helps. But life doesn’t stop because I hurt and that’s the part of House that I enjoy watching the most. Despite the small details of addiction and a little insanity, House copes with pain rather well. I’m a fan of the humour and season six of House is fun again. I hope it stays that way. I’d really prefer not to go back to Stargate Universe.