I’ve gotten better over time at dealing with the bad stuff. Today has been one of those days that reminds me how much hurting hurts. It makes me irritable, jumpy and moody because I find it easier to be angry at the world than I do to feel helpless and a little overwhelmed. It takes times to realize that facing reality does better things for everybody. I can’t begin to make it better until I admit that the issue, yet again, is that I’m in pain, yet again, and it’s depressing and nauseatingly similar and I want to get off the same hamster wheel and I don’t have that option available. So round and round we go.
I’ve gotten better at putting up with it. We went out despite it as out is cheerful. And as we turned the corner to the library, the steps up as well as the ramp becomes visible and Chris, mock aiming for the stairs goes “shall we try hard mode today?” and it made me laugh. He bent down and kissed the top of my head and smiled at me and in that moment pain didn’t matter so much. We opted for the ramp. I got a couple of books that I’ve been wanting to read for ages by authors I adore, like China Miéville and afterwards we popped into Sainsbury’s even though the fridge is full to pick up some comfort food. I picked and so bacon, chocolate, ice-cream, salty crisps and coke was the first items to make it into the basket. I don’t often eat rich foods, it’s a rare treat that’s saved up for particularly bad joint pain days, but sometimes too much of a bad thing is really good.
We ate, I slept and we logged into WoW and did a couple of heroics. It’s the first time where I’ve said yes to a proposed heroic run even though I wasn’t sure I could manage it. AN went fine, in fact, it was fun getting Hadronox denied without any tricks whilst AoE spells were used and the adds were surprisingly enough not everywhere. TotC went better than usual. The jousting was fine, the dying near the end wasn’t ideal, but didn’t really make a difference overall. I’ve relaxed about guild runs in particular so that even when things went wrong at the end and Chris basically took over both computers to finish up the run, it didn’t matter. I wasn’t worried.
It’s very easy to become very narrow minded on bad pain days and I’m no fun to be around. But it’s even easier to just let go of all that. I plan to spend my evening taking a long hot bath and then getting into bed very early with a good book. Nothing to be stressed about. It goes up, it goes down and as long as I don’t try to push or object too hard, it’s all doable. Curling up into a small bundle and crying is not necessarily a bad thing. I’ve been watching ‘A scanner darkly’ in between crying spells and with lines like “What if they come in through the back door or the bathroom window like that infamous Beatles song?” and Fred: “So there is no sheep here, is there?” (pause) Fred: “Was I close?”, it makes me want to quote my favourite lines from Northern Exposure at Chris when he interrupts – Joel: “That’s the movies, Ed. Try reality.” Ed: “No thanks.” Bad days are just bad, they don’t have to be depressing, but likewise, I don’t have to be all chipper and brave. I’m allowed to hide underneath the covers with fiction and growl at the world if it tries to intrude.