I reside on a ship, or so it seems, as the ground no longer feels solid underneath my feet. I can’t sleep when I should and I can’t stay awake when I shouldn’t be sleeping. I am tired, exhausted and life is a little blurry sometimes. I have a background headache that ease up at night but return on waking every morning. When tired, I’m easily confused and disoriented. I get lost. I’m forgetful. I have difficulty with focus and concentration. Lights are always brighter and sounds are always sharper for me, but the last few weeks it’s been worse than just being sensitive, it hurts and puts me on edge. I miss words out of sentences and language has become hard work. I feel trapped in a smoked glass bubble and I can’t get out. Chris says I seem distant and unavailable, somewhere else; I guess he’s right. I escape the bad parts of my life by imagining myself somewhere else and once there, it’s difficult to find my way back.
Late at night when I seem to be most awake, it’s as if that part of my brain wakes up, but during the day, it slumbers and move ahead of me so that it feels just out of my reach all the time. I struggle to communicate. I can’t say what I mean and when I stop to think before saying something just for the sake of saying it, there is only an empty parking space where the word I want used to be parked. My vision jumps more than usual, particularly when I look at black letters on a white page and so I haven’t been looking at words on paper for a week. I play with the contrast, but even small contrasts are still problematic. I get that prodrome feeling and it scares me so I stop.
The worlds I escape into are enticing. I play too much WoW because it’s easy to get lost in it. My hands have paid the price for it, but that’s okay. I have been watching ‘Band of Brothers’ and the snow on the screen makes me shiver and turns my fingertips blue. I wear my iPod around the house and listen to my favourite music and it’s easier than being aware of my surroundings. Life is complex and requires conscious thought from me all the time. I can’t move without thinking about moving without getting very hurt. And sometimes, I just want it to be simple. I want to relax into a hot bath whilst listening to music and do nothing else. I want to think about how I need to move my hand on Hodir so that I don’t fall to pieces and not do anything else. For a little while, I want the world to slow down and be quieter. I fall asleep in the early morning hours whilst lost in an internal landscape that somehow seems more real than my bed in my room in our house.
It’s patch day tomorrow and it takes effort to plan less rather than more. The world only slows down when I do and although it’s easier to stop, I now know that taking deliberate steps is better. I just need to consciously think about walking rather than thinking that if I can’t run, I should sit down and rest. Sometimes, walking pace is fine. Both physically and metaphorically speaking. Life, for the most part, should be lived deliberately.