Boredom

I’m with Eric Hoffer, “when people are bored, it is primarily with their own selves that they are bored”.  I don’t often loose interest in everything, but today I’m disinterested and having trouble focusing on anything. I used to valiantly attempt to try and find something to do that will either spark my interest and if not, at least pass the time. I now know better. I’m only bored when I’m tired and it’s virtually impossible to find something interesting to do when I’m too tired to be interested. Yesterday was a pretty active day and today is pay day. I’m exhausted. Books are just a jumble of words, movies a jumbled of images, music a jumble of notes and Warcraft a jumble of pixels. Being tired is like being on the outside of everything, unable to get in. It’s impossible to connect and without that connection nothing is interesting.

The solution? I’ve spent the day resting and stretching, two things that never fail to make me feel better. Chris finds me doing Yoga and says in a tone of voice that borders on disapproving: “I don’t get why you make yourself more flexible, shouldn’t you be working towards the opposite end?”. I stop focusing on the deep breathing and say “I like being flexible. Stiff and sore is not the answer to making joints work better.” Stretching hurts, but it’s a good hurt and pain is a key that unlocks a door that opens. I go back to that place in my head that’s quiet and calm and alone and never boring, knowing that I can’t stay there forever.

I can’t make myself less bored. It’s frustrating to no end to know that the only thing I can do to make it go faster is to do as little as possible. I fell asleep unnaturally quickly last night and slept through dislocations until mid-morning. As nice as it is to get eight hours of restless sleep, it hurts me. I usually get up regularly, take braces off, put joints back in, move a little, day dream a little and whereas I used to dislike being awake in the middle of the night, I’ve grown accustomed to the calm stillness that coat the early morning hours. One might even say that I look forward to it. I tiptoe out of the bedroom and curl up on the bed in the guest room, open the curtains and look into the night willing myself to relax. Waking up stiff and sore makes me tense. It takes a while to realize that moving isn’t complete agony any more and it’s fine to let go and unwind, nothing bad will happen. I missed out on it last night and as a result, I woke up feeling like a truck ran me over during the night. I even have the bruises to prove it. It still surprises me that one can go to sleep at night and wake up in the morning covered in bruises. It just seems wrong and unnatural and almost impossible and yet, there they are.

And so I spent all day doing as much of nothing as I could manage. It’s frustrating and infuriating and annoying and well, rather boring. I get bored with my life, bored with myself, bored with everything that I do and it’s difficult to not do something unexpected just because it’d be unexpected. But it’s just a day and I’m just tired. It makes it easy to just fall back on routine. Sunny months are always tedious. I’ve been irritable and difficult all day and Chris takes every opportunity to remind me that we’re both paying for doing too much yesterday and that swearing and yelling at stuff because everything I try to do is boring me won’t make life more interesting. I eventually take his word for it. Two hours of this day left and the best I can do is hope that tomorrow will be a little better and the headaches will eventually let up when autumn arrives and I’ll stop feeling like a pre-programmed robot and more like an actual human being. I think back on yesterday and how veering off the beaten track made it easier for a while, but also how it made it harder to come back to the routine of daily life. Sometimes boring is just all there is and it takes all the patience in the world to remember that the more I try to change it, the more tired I’ll get and the worse I’ll make it. Don’t struggle in the net. Gotta be creative about the out. Go to sleep and wake up all better. Let’s hope.

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