EDIT: Forgot to hit the publish button last night, doh!
I’m a pretty big K’s choice fan, partly because it’s my kind of good music, partly because I like the emotional texture, but mostly because the depressing lyrics of the depressing songs tend to cheer me up as much as the fun lyrics of the fun songs do. I often feel as if I’m loosing ground, as if I’m coming unhinged, but I’m not, not really. There’s always some ocean of calm, an anchor, a sense of self that is comforting enough that I can regain my balance. Life is standing up in a small boat that’s perpetually threatening to capsize, but having feet firmly planted means it rocks and although I may fall down, the boat remains upright ever moving forwards.
Sunday was a rather awful day for breathing and the asthma attack was scarey. It’s edging into summer and I know it means that I will be able to breathe less than during the winter and I will mostly just be very tired. My cardiovascular system doesn’t deal well with the heat. My blood pressure is continuously low and if the temperature spikes just a little bit, the fainting starts. The pollen levels make breathing difficult and the recent bout of thunderstorms has not helped in that department. The last few days have been utterly exhausting. I can’t breathe at night and so I can’t really sleep. I can’t sleep all day and so I inhabit a haze of consciousness. I’m easily distracted, forget things, loose the thread of a conversation, drink more coffee than I should (which tend to help both for the breathing and fatigue and thankfully doesn’t really affect my headaches unless I throw all caution to the wind) and stop doing most other things.
I just did a pretty sloppy job healing a timed CoS run. We made the timer and as everybody continuously points out, obtaining the objective is sort of the point. But I don’t play to achieve something, proven by the fact that as usual I forgot to put on a tabard for rep and forgot to complete the daily heroic that I had in my quest log. I play because the moment is fun and the moment is most fun when I do things the way I should. I couldn’t focus enough to follow the tank at the exact distance I should and so was at times either too close or out of range. My idea of fun is the CoS run where we’re done in just over fifteen minutes because everybody knew exactly what to do and did it. I’m not a Lore person, I don’t pay as much attention to the story lines as I possibly should, it’s only on rare occasions that I loose myself in the story; mostly, I loose myself in the mechanics and rhythm of playing. It reminds me of playing the piano when timing is everything and getting the rhythm wrong for a fraction of a second by a fraction of a second screws up the whole piece. One misplaces finger, one wrong note and it’s ruined.
I’m the type of person that would spend almost two hours a day for the best part of a year practising a 4-note sequence just under four minutes into Chopin’s Nocturne in E-flat to get it just right. Few memories compete with that moment in time when I took my end-of-year piano exam, the last one I knew I’d ever take as I was giving up my music degree because of my EDS diagnosis, the one I took a day or two after getting out of hospital after a week long stay and didn’t have time to practice. It was the last piece I played to a panel of criticism and dislocating fingers warming up on the scales was rather embarrassing, but being able to play that last piece from the first note to the last without getting a single note wrong or missing a fraction of a beat, was worth every second I spent practising. Playing a resto druid in WoW is a little like that for me. On most days, I’m just practising, but every now and again, when it all falls into place it can be just like that.
Tonight’s run was nothing like that though. It was a sloppy sequence of misplaced fingers and wrong notes and although it wasn’t exactly unenjoyable, it was very frustrating. I know that to play 4-minutes of perfection requires hundreds if not a thousand hours of practice and playing wow is a mixture of practice and performance and it won’t be perfect every time, but when it’s just messy and disjointed, it’s disappointing. Even when practicing there is satisfaction in getting parts of it right and when playing alone in a room, the perfection is there readily without question. I miss it. Loosing my rhythm and capacity to do certain things well feels like loosing a limb. It just doesn’t feel right, and I’m mostly very tired [*].