I was expecting another migraine, but Thursday evening was not when I expected it to arrive. My headaches more often than not arrive either in the early morning hours or late afternoons. Chronic pain is manageable most of the time, particularly if I don’t dwell but try to find ways to make it okay. It doesn’t feel okay. I’m one of those people that when asked what my pain level is on a scale of 1 – 10, 10 being the worse pain imaginable, I tend to reply 11 when I have a severe headache. Some things simply feel entirely beyond my control and capacity for tolerance.
I forget that pain is just a perception. If I feel that I have lost control, I can either believe that I have or realize that it’s my choice to not relinquish it. It may feel as if everything is overwhelming and too much, but that does not mean that it is. It’s only that if I allow it to be so. Perception is not always accurate. It is easily distorted when pain makes life a little fuzzy. I have spent the last two hours in one of those crying/yelling moods that vacillate rapidly between ‘don’t leave/go away and hold me/don’t touch me and please hit me over the head with a large heavy object and I’ll give you all the riches my bank toon holds. Chris had a 12-hour shift at work and I’m sure is none too pleased with me at the moment.
It took a little while to realize that my moods do not control me, I really should try and control them more. I don’t have to put up with being an electric ball that reacts to every little thing. I can take a few deep breaths and say everything will be okay. And it will be.