Some days are pretty easy, others require work. Working to stay positive, to get something done, to make plans for the future, to spend time with the people that matter to you. And every now and again, I have one of those days where I realize late at night that the day would have been best served if I just hadn’t tried to do anything at all.
I wouldn’t have dislocated my thumb and wrist horribly if I hadn’t tried to cook. I wouldn’t have fainted if I hadn’t tried the ‘mind over matter’ stubbornness because I was tired of giving in. I wouldn’t have missed that step if I hadn’t tried to act like everything was fine. I wouldn’t have a splinted wrist if I hadn’t tried to put it back in three times and got it very wrong each time. I wouldn’t have had all the arguments I had with the people that matter if I hadn’t tried to explain what was going on in the most reasonable tone whilst desperately trying not to have a complete emotional meltdown.
It’s definitely been the worst day yet this year. I still find that surprising. I would expect crises days to be the worst, but it’s the aftermath that’s tricky to manage; the snowball effect that just keeps snowballing. I’m not a fan of depressive self-indulgence and do my best to refrain from morbid soliloquies. I wish I could pluck an optimistic life affirming quotation out of a hat, but I can’t. I can give a nod to David Weber when in The short victorious war he writes “But the universe wasn’t really unfair, she thought, and her mouth quirked. It just didn’t give much of a damn one way or the other.”
I don’t know why bruises and dislocations hurt more than strains, sprains and dislocations or why concussions are harder to muddle through peacefully than headaches, but I know that there is no nemesis. I could say what Alice says “I realized suddenly that I was in an impossible situation, and there was really no way out. No acceptable way. I could not go on — so I stopped.” Alice was talking about her suicide, but stopping can mean different things. Stop analyzing, stop talking, stop trying too hard, stop alienating people. It often feels like an impossible situation and there really is no way out, but when I can’t go on, I can stop. Just for a little while. Until I can go on again.