Finally getting the title was not the proud and happy moment I thought it would be. Success is an easy accomplishment and failing is a difficult lesson to learn. I had just needed one Malygos kill to get this title and I had been putting it off for nearly a month. I’m scared of Malygos. Scractch that. I am absolutely terrified of Malygos. I have been watching Malygos videos for months and the only conclusion I had been able to draw was that it would be a painful and challenging learning curve. Now that I am there, I’m not sure if I am up for the challenge.
I did Malygos on heroic as a guild run on Friday night. I would have preferred a 10-man, but it’s another one of those boats I missed and aren’t sure how to catch now as I would have to do less heroics to fit it in and I’m worried that I will then fall even further behind on that level. Next to Sarth + 3, it wasn’t confusing at all. Phase 1 was fine. My healing slowed down, but it always does in a first encounter and there isn’t anything I can do about that as the cause is neuromuscular and I can’t fix that. Phase 2 was a little trickier. I died and got a battle rez. Needless to point out the why. I’m eternally greatful to our RL who asked for my battle rez at the end of the phase, giving me a little time to regroup. Phase 3 was awful. I did something weird and unexplainable (I’m not sure exactly what it was) immediately after taking possession of my drake and dislocated my mouse wrist in two places as well as my mouse button clicking fingers. Needless to say, it went very very badly from there. Struggled to control my drake (make that couldn’t control my flying), struggled to avoid the arcane pulse by staying level with and at a 30 yard range from Malygos, struggled to avoid surge of power by getting my flame shield up in time, struggled to stay out of the static field etc etc.
It was one of those rare moments in time when I seriously think about quitting WoW for good. If I ever do quit, it would be in a moment like that. I have done all my planning and thinking about this and the moment where I felt the pain and injury wasn’t worth the reward or that it crossed the line from temporary agony to possibly permanent damage, I would quit in a heart beat. It was a bit of a struggle to put myself back together again and once my hand was taped and bandaged I realised that I wasn’t quite ready to stop. I considered for the first time in a raid to ask for a replacement as Sarth+3 was next on the list, but decided against it and asked for a break instead. Damage was temporary, pain is permanent and if pain is the only reason for stopping, then I don’t stop. I don’t stop for pain, then it wins.
Two motivations govern these decisions – how will it affect me? and how ill it affect those I am playing with? One does not take precedence over the other. I thought about asking for a replacement because someone else would be a better healer, but decided not to. I played WoW for 11 months without ever grouping up because I didn’t think it was fair to other players. I regret that decision. I shouldn’t get to decide something like that. I would be annoyed if anybody ever made that decision for me. I sign up for raids and as much as I enjoy raiding, I don’t mind when I’m not chosen to raid that night or week. The same goes for replacement. If I think that I can do it, I want to at least try once and if I or someone else decide that I’m not competent enough, I’m happy to be replaced. But I’d like to try first if I think that I can do it well or don’t know if I can do it at all.
Success is easy. Failing at something and not giving up, particularly when your actions affect other people, that’s something else entirely. I know that most people define in-game success as either being high on a damage meter or downing a boss. I define personal success a little differently. Successing is fulfilling my role within the group well. Not perfectly, not better than x,y or z, but simply competently. When I am not where I should be, are taking damage when I shouldn’t be and/or not DPSing or healing appropriately, it’s a fail for me. I have a feeling that I will be spending a lot more time in Coldarra learning how to fly and cast. I’m not ready to give up after one attempt, but I’m also not going for a second until I can affect some major improvement on my skill level.