It’s easy to spot the difference and even easier to focus on obstacles, particularly the ones that I cannot control. Say Naxx and I think about the things I talk about more than anything else – the gluth pipe, thadius jump, sapph ice blocks (not that I’ve missed the jump or the ice blocks. yet). I worry about when I’m going to get a bad headache, when the graphics are going to trigger a migraine aura, when is moving and casting going to dislocate something, when am I going to miss the instructions I’m suppose to be following and then it occurs to me that I’m worrying about things I can’t really change and haven’t actually gone wrong all that many times.
I always feel that I need to do the things I can do perfectly to make up for everything I can’t do. I can’t afford to make silly mistakes because I will fall off the pipe as I dislocate my wrist or miss the Thaddius jump for similar reasons. I will drop a lifebloom stack when it should be rolling because I dislocated a finger and so I can’t drop one just because I wasn’t quick enough hitting the button. I will hit the wrong button or not hit the right button because my muscles are sometimes just stupid, but I think my high standards may be a bit over the top. Have fun, people say, I say, and although having fun is a big deal, fun is getting it right.
Nobody is perfect and everybody has their issues. I am not the only person with EDS, I’m not the only person that find playing WoW a challenge. For whatever reason, I’m not the only person who falls off the pipe and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only person scared of the Thaddius jump. Other people struggle some times as well. It’s easy to make it all about me and my uncertainties when really, it would be so much more fun to stop. Self-reflection is a good and necessary thing, but it doesn’t have to be time consuming. I’m never this tough on other people, why should different rules apply to me?
Today is a dislocation day. Every third word I type is making joints shift and I’m starting to doubt my certainty that headache pain is worse than dislocation pain. I can’t make it stop, I can’t make it hurt less, but I can choose whether I spend my time fixating on it or not. I think not.