Loosing ground

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I have not had the best of weekends. I have been trying to focus on the positive, such as getting a few nice pieces of gear in naxx and having the war mace of unrequited love drop on valentine’s day on only the third Nexus heroic run. The less pleasant events of the weekend is also less fun to share. I am naturally inclined to choose solitude when things start to go wrong and when that option is not immediately available, I prefer relying on the art of omission. Failing that, I don my rose coloured spectacles and air brush out the dark bits. Sharing is selfish and in my book, unfair to the people around me. It may be not be my fault that life has dealt me the hand it did, but involving other people in the murky mess of chronic illness is just mean. Keeping things to oneself however, has its disadvantages. It’s a lonely place to inhabit.

I fainted twice during Saturday night’s raid. It didn’t concern me at the time, as it’s something that has been happening for a very long time and although it is worsening,  if my neurologist can be concerned but not alarmed, I can be concerned and not alarmed. I have learned the neat trick of lying down before I black out and thus avoiding head injuries and dislocations, so when the room starts to really spin and my vision tunnels, I hit the ground promptly. Warning signs have the significant advantage of allowing enough time to finish a boss fight and ask for a five minute break before I faint.

It was the third time that scared me. I’m used to fainting, it’s a complication of EDS that we’ve grown rather accustomed to. So much so, that when it happens, Chris doesn’t even stop what he’s doing any more. He just makes sure I’m comfortable and conscious again within five minutes. Rarely, episodes are a little less clear cut. They’re mostly few and far between and so I try to put it out of my mind as much as possible, but when they do happen, they make me re-evaluate my decision to put it out of mind when making decisions. My life is complicated and it quickly creates complications for those around me when things happen that’s a little less routine and I’m never sure how to un-complicate things.

Some time after 2 am, I opened my eyes on the couch and realized that I’d lost about ten minutes. I faint for two-three minutes at most and ten minutes is a long time to be unconscious. I sat up, tried to get back to the game and then realized that I was lying on the couch and missing another ten minutes or so. I could think, sort of, and I could type, sort of, but for some reason, I couldn’t breathe very well and felt very very sleepy. The last time this happened I ended up in hospital refusing a surgery. I thought that I should be panicking. I always panic. I panic when I can’t get a dislocated joint back in place and when I have to stab myself with a needle and when my pulse goes over 200 and my systolic blood pressure hits double digits. I couldn’t bring myself to care. I realized my brain was not getting enough oxygen and that this was a bad thing and that bad things were happening because of it and I really ought to do something about it, but that’s as far as my clarity went. My head cleared after a couple of hours and the situation fixed itself a little. I’m still not sure whether it was just my neck or something else that caused it and I’m not sure it matters. The neurology tests will reveal all soon enough.

I went to bed and slept the sleep of the dead for nine hours. I had a few reasonable hours earlier today, but after I fainted again and again late-afternoon, I’ve been avoiding logging into warcraft. Looking for reassurance rather than distraction, I decided to read a little on-line. Articles entitled “Chiari-1 Malformation, Migraine, and Sudden Death” has not provided the peace of mind I was looking for. It feels a little as if life has decided to pull the rug out from underneath my feet yet again. I don’t plan to let it throw me off balance for long, but for now, just for a little bit, I’ll allow a certain level of disequilibrium before I pick myself up off the floor and think about more useful things to do. I’m really enjoying running heroics more than I ever thought I would, so I think it may be time to start working on getting the “Champion of the Frozen Wastes” title. That’s a distracting and happy thought.

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2 Comments

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  1. I disagree that sharing is selfish, depending on how it’s done. Letting your raid leader know that you have a medical condition that may cause you to go afk for a few minutes generates understanding when it happens. Who knows, you may find out you aren’t the only one struggling.

  2. Thanks for your thoughts, Carol. I was just having a bad day and that always makes me feel that telling someone the details will then mean they will soon be having a bad day as well. My raid leader(s) and all the guild officers have been fully briefed about my issues and have been very supportive and understanding. I’m pretty sure I’m rarely the only one struggling, we all have our problems regardless of what exactly they entail. I think the conundrum for me is not so much telling people the basics about EDS; it is, whether I like it or not, a part of who I am, but where to draw the line with the details.

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