Learned helplessness is one of those things two thirds of people succumb to when bombarded with a series of negative events. Seligman and Maier did an experiment with dogs. The dogs were placed in three groups, one was the control group, two were given an electric shock they could stop by hitting a switch and three was given the electric shock without the switch. For part two the dogs in group 3 were placed in pens they could escape with a single jump; only a third of dogs even tried, the rest lay down and whined, doing nothing. Learned helplessness isn’t pretty.

I remember from my psychology lecture more than a decade ago, the three p’s. In humans, the difference between those who become despondent and those who do not is one of belief and attitude. Learned helplessness stems from a pessimistic attitude, people who believe that bad things will happen tend to interpret everything in the worst light and so, bad things happen. They also hold a set belief that things are pervasive, personal and permanent. I might be a tad pessimistic, but the three p’s seem foreign to me. I rarely take anything personally, I’m not religious, I don’t believe anything happens for a reason, I  think reality is a tangle of chance and coincidence of which you make the best or the worst, depending on your attitude, skills and whim.

Pervasive I understand; EDS is pervasive, parenting is pervasive, but bad luck, I don’t buy it. It might sometimes feel like stressful events are a continuous drizzle that permeates and soaks through every piece of clothing and creeps in underneath your skin, but it’s not, not really. That’s just an illusion. Things are only as pervasive as you allow them to be. Shift your attention to something else and its not impossible to take a break from problems. Breaks are important, sometimes you can’t escape huge issues when awake, but then there’s always sleep; naps. I’m a great fan of gaming, reading, drives (now that walking is no longer much of an option) through the countryside, going something nice and/or familiar to have a cup of coffee and a conversation about anything but your problems. These days escape is easier, I just look for Buttons and her smile, I walk into a room and see her scramble to get to me for a cuddle and that’s enough; someone who itches to hug me and looks at me as if I’m the whole universe, nothing that doesn’t knock a whole through. As for the permanent,  nothing but change is permanent.

I look at myself and wonder if I’m crazy trying to teach a 7-month old about the three p’s. When her joints give way and she screams, I soothe and say, this too shall pass, I sing to her and say, it’s not your fault, it’s nobody’s fault, it’s just cause, I tell her stories I make up and I hope that says, there’s a big wide world out there, much much bigger than any of your troubles, now or ever, never loose sight of it. I loose sight of it some time. My life is sliced into smaller and smaller pieces, most revolving around appointments, red tape, carers, state funding and then symptoms, management, medication, therapy and then tiredness, fatigue, restless sleep, so much wasted time. I do it all, the important, the unimportant, the juggling act.

I make sure to steal time for a me, time for people, time for Buttons; moments of nothingness that’s the flavour of life. In the back of my head, I also keep thinking, there’s more to life than this. As happy as I am being a mom, I do not want to spend the rest of my life dealing with government bureaucracy whilst claiming benefits for my troubles. I want more. I want to accomplish… something, something  I can look back on twenty years from now and think, this is what I did, by myself, for myself, just for me. My days added up and painted a picture; even if time will erase it like high tide wipe out sand castles, that’s fine, as long as I know that once upon a time, there was something there, something I made. I think I may be in need of a job, well no, maybe, an occupation. Or at least a hobby.

 

 

 

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